Thursday, July 23, 2009

SB Compensation Operations : On the Down Low : A Users Guide

OK let's do away with all the politically correct bullshit and get right to it.
When a top SB player is paid you can't just do it in front of everyone. I mean you don't just write a check you have to be discrete about it and as the King of R&B R Kelly would say
Keep it on the Down Low ...Nobody Has to Know!!!!!!! (Let's keep R Kelly laughable legal problems out of this for now)

Top Ten Ways to properly compensate someone to play SB On the Down Low

10. Handshake - Oldest Trick in the Book. Put the money in you hand, then while shaking hands pass it on to your employee. Shiesty but effective. Spin off of this maneuver is sliding the money into the players back pocket.
9. Hidden Hat/Glove Trick - Pretend to be looking at his hat or glove and place money inside of it when you hand it back to him. Pathetic but realistic
8. Professional Services - OK now we're getting to more creative Quid Pro Quo stuff. Performing legal, medical, accounting work for someone in exchange for SB service. This is funny, I mean at face value professional services like the ones I mentioned above seem so much more valuable and important than the ability to play SB. In any case, this form of compensation by it's very nature is very private and discrete.
7. Provide Free Room and Board - No cash is exchanged, I mean who would know that your just letting someone out of the kindness of you heart stay with you or someone you know for absolutely free in NYC a long as they play ball for your team of course
6. Dinner - Softball for Food. What would caveman think if they knew we had evolved this way
5. Employment - Hire someone as an employee with the sole intention and condition that he MUST play Softball for the Company. Again its all legal and it's not exactly slaverybut honest Abe Lincoln
would not be happy
4. Drugs & Liquor - OK this is like a boomerang way of "taking care of someone". You both get drunk and high at the same time, except you pay for it and the general public doesn't really care who pays for it b/c they see everyone is so happy.
3. Free Entertainment - tickets to Broadway shows, sporting events, and concerts are a great way to pay a player b/c they can go to the event without you so no one can connect you to this form of compensation. If you own your own business you can probably write this off as well - ghetto
2. Middleman - send an employee or some sucker you know to hit off the player. If he gets caught deny deny deny

and the Number One way to compensate someone to play softball for you on the Down Low

1. Prepay!!!! - Pay ahead of time while no one else is around.
I strongly recommend against this!!!!!!! Pay for performance as you go, day by day, week by week, otherwise the player could take the money and run - keep it corporate