Tuesday, February 11, 2014

No Rhyme or Reason for Nuthin #8 ... A Modest Proposal

In response to yesterday's SB Mult-Tasking posting, I received the following Modest Proposal from one of my loyal readers:

"Who's got some dirt on what's going on this off season in the Big Apple for 2014? 
We need quality teams to replace "Marlins" and "Brother Jimmy's". 
Will Highlanders be allowed back in? 
Will the pitching remain the same? 
Will Working Class return? 
Will Rosenmiller quit smoking? "

This request hits at the very core of every Big Apple players 2014 concerns. Here is what I know about what's going on with the once shinny, but now slightly tarnished Big Apple League :

  • Correct Brother Jimmy has folded and merged with Empire. While not confirmed, one can only speculate that Rocker was included. That leaves 11 Teams.
  • Correct Marlins quit in the middle of last year. Doomed by talented young guys and no open pitching. That leaves 10 teams.
  • Highlanders - One and done. Don't want to deal with sling politics and just didn't seem to fit in. That leaves 10 teams. I think we have a trend here.
  • West. The once proud champion will most likely not return. A spin off is possible, but as of right now unlikely. That leaves 9 Teams. The Trend is down.
  • Revolution finished about 1-23 last year. They have disbanded. It's like new year eve as the countdown is now at 8.
  • Rangers - have been in the league well over 20 years and are looking very shaky to field a team now. The team is fractured. Several players have moved to either Iron Bound or Parts. Let's say the league has 7 for now.
  • Odds are League will have 8 teams, That's OK but still down 33%, not exactly a stock you would want to invest in.
  • Less Teams will mean that the top high impact guys available form the pool above will most likely sign with top teams like the Parts and Radio (by the way they will have a new name again this year as word on the SB street is that Trenk is taking over). More importantly, the league become top heavy again.
  • Average players will be nothing more than forfeit avoiders drifting around like nomads. Just a bunch of SB versions of Lyle Overbays hoping to hang on by signing a minor league deal and on days someone is short get some burn b/c they don't wanna go home and change diapers and watch Dora the Explorer
    all Sunday afternoon.
  • Reduced teams could lead to permits being surrender b/c of costs and lack of usage. Not good, not good at all.
  • Their has been talk of allowing one "A" pitcher to throw one game a week and two games come playoff time. Translation Live by the Sling Die by the Sling. This is like getting diagnosed with a broken leg and your doctor performing Root canal. I don't want to think about the endless moronic conversation that this rule will cause.
  • Rumors are Working class will return. New name maybe. Whatever.
  • Yes Rosenmiller will continue smoking, but have someone keep an eye out for parking Rangers giving tickets.
Unfortunately, these facts are not the solution for the problems facing probably one of the highest profile leagues in NYC. Reduced membership should not be symptoms of a flourishing league, there should be demand. Many people say that the elite pitching in the league is the reason that the league is so competitive as it attracts premier players. If so, then why is membership diminishing? 

Clearly, there is a problem.Well I think a finally have solution for the once proud beleaguered flagship softball league of NYC. You see this whole situation reminds me of when I was a freshman in college and read "A Modest Proposal", which was was mandatory reading. In his essay, the author Johnathan Swift, states that the poor Irish might ease their economic troubles by selling their children as food for rich gentlemen and ladies. I was reading this long boring shit (like your reading my boring long paragraph right now) when all of a sudden Swift wrote ""A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout." 

I was like what the fuck??? I actually thought this crazy motherfucker meant it and that the he would go to jail in the end. I didn't know any better as I was just an A96 kid in college. My teacher laughed at me (and others in who felt the same in the class) and explained to me that Swift was using shock value to emphasize the plight of starving beggars in Ireland and mocks the heartless attitudes towards the poor.   

I was though to myself "Cool - Very intelligent.Sarcastic. I like it."

Furthermore, to get his real point across Swift used a mechanism called Parasiopesis (Wikipedia is so cool) where he brings up a subject by either denying it, or denying that it should be brought up. For example: Swift introduces reforms by saying "Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients:
  • Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound:
  • Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: 
  • Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and temperance:
  • Of learning to love our country, 
Sarcasm, Again very cool.

So taking a page from Mr. Swift I would like to invoke Parasiopesis and:

  • Not talk about banning pitchers
  • Not talk about that if these pitchers were banned that NO ONE WILL QUIT. NO ONE.
  • Not talk about the fact that if these pitchers are banned, more modified teams will join.
  • Not talk about the fact that bringing a team to this league without sling is a complete utter waste of time. You lose money, get no extra playing time, and only headaches.
  • Not talk about the fact that open pitchers belong in 9 man ball with bunting & stealing.
  • Not talk about what is or isn't modified b/c clearing the powers that be do not know
  • Not talk about terrible committees who are motivated by self interest rather than what is in the best interest of the league. Leadership is lacking.
  • Not talk about losing good loyal teams b/c they don't have sling pitching
What I would like to do is offer one Johnathan Swift like solution, no I am not suggesting selling/eating children rather I would like to suggest selling pitchers. It's really quite simple, top pitchers want to get paid, so why don't we do just that. 

My modest proposal is as follows:
  • All "A pitchers" must register with a league for a initial membership fee. Say $200
  • As part of every team's league fee, a $100-150 per week fee will be added to actually pay a pitcher. So let's say you play 20 weeks, that means your league fee would be normal league costs plus $2,000-3,000. Let's Keep it real. It's happening anyway, let's just let everyone get a pitcher by opening paying them in a salary cap atmosphere
  • Pitchers will be paid cash every week. If teams wanna pay them more that's on them
  • Pitchers will be allowed to stay with a team for only 3 years. They can traded.
  • A draft will be held in reverse order of standings
This makes everyone is happy. 
  1. Pitchers get paid. 
  2. All teams are on a level playing ground
  3. No one argues about sling.
  4. The league make some extra cash for pimping all these "pitchers de wawa" (won't translate as it loses something when I convert from Spanglish)
  5. Competition will remain high b/c all the top pitchers will remain in the league
I say pimp and pay the pitchers, Just a SB Modest Proposal. Think about it


  1. Pay the pitchers? Wrong direction amigo. The slingers and the fat smoking managers that pay them are where the problems originated. Get rid of ALL the Slingers once and for all. Get the game back to a place where the players can, as Bitros likes to say, '"run, hit, field, and throw the ball." Types of pitchers allowed: Eric Brown, Edgar Jr., Franny "where's my donut" Donnovan, Lee Morganroth, Bennett Beckenstein, Lutkin, Kevin Peechaphand, Peckins, Juan Para, Italian Stallion (?) etc...

    I'm sure I missed a bunch of legitimate pitchers but we get the idea. It ain't sexy but it's a solution.

  2. LOL - comment #1 thought the insider was serious.. but at least his heart is in the right place

  3. Ric's heart has ALWAYS been in the right place...execution, not so much sometimes. These problems have been predicted for several years now. Not a surprise.