No Rhyme or Reason for Nuthin #2 .. .. Don't Rush My Softball Don't Rush My Porn

“It's the time of the softball season, when hate runs high And this time, I'm give it to you easy, when I take back what's mine With pleasured hands, and torture everyone, that is my plan My job here isn't done, cause there's no rhyme or no reason for nothing” - Eminem Marshall Mathers LP II

I rarely hate on umps; well except for that loser Mr Magoo

 a few years ago. he fucking deserved it. One of the best things this blog ever did was help get rid of his confrontational incompetent, lying ass. Yeah I went there; fuck that.

Anyway, back to my point I've umpired, I've made many mistakes and I know how hard it. I never blame an umpire for :

• taking a collar. I am responsible for my own play
• making an error on the field of play. I am responsible for my own play
• taking a called 3rd strike. Yes some bad strike 3 calls happen, but you have to Trust yourself. I've made that mistake. Swing at anything close. Don't Trust any ump They are Poison - - like that old Bell Biv DeVoe song "Never Trust a big butt and a smile"

Never trust an ump.

• Calls. I will ask, but not make a big issue. I hate whiners and ass kissers
• Show up an ump. Respect

Blaming umps is weak. yes they have a big say in a game and yes they on occasion do determine wins and losses, but I always try and respect guys who are 

• Professional
• Hustle
• Know the rules
• Are decisive
• Honest.

But if there is one thing I will never ever tolerate in an umpire is one who rushes the game. I have one adage in life "Don't rush My softball Don't Rush My Porn". I have to much shit going on in real life that the few precious moments that I have in both should never be fucking rushed.

Softball and Porn have several things in common that should never be rushed that I like:

Themes

Porn - Dad's Hot Girlfriend, My Evil Step Mom, Naughty America, WOW Girls

Softball - Rivalries, Betrayal,  Revenge

Climax

Porn - Obvious

Softball - It Ain't Over Till it's Over

Bad Dialogue and Cursing

Porn - legendary horrible plots, writing, and acting. No one cares what anyone says usually outside of a moan here and there.

Softball - Goons and Bobo talk from all races, creeds, domination's, and walks off life.

Passion

Porn - duhh

Softball - Softball without passion has no flavor

Whores

Porn - It's all about the Benjamen's baby. They will do anything for money

Softball - Certain people will do anything for softball. Take it from me I know.

Lies

Porn - People lie about watching porn

Softball - People lie about softball - Their accomplishments, whereabouts, availability, commitment, ability, etc

Now let me be clear I understand there are external factors like expiring permits, weather, and light availability that requires an umpire to keep a game moving (all good umps keep a game moving), but there is nothing more that pisses me off when an umpire that blatantly rushes a game. 

The following are the most Obvious Obnoxious Examples of rushing a game:

1. Bases Too far. So obnoxious that I had  to put in red, bold, and enlarge. Are you fucking kidding me? This is  far this is the oldest and most insulting trick in book. Softball base lengths are 60 or 65 feet depending on league rules. Umps who walks off bases are by far the biggest culprits. It's simple longer bases make games go faster. "No bang bang plays". Now let me break down some leagues and the base lengths grades:

- Big Apple - these umps measure the bases before every game. They make suck at other stuff, but there base distance is always on point  A+

- Inwood - When Chelo measures A+. Otherwise it's up for grabs, Grade B

- 54th Street Wednesdays and Yorkville  No grade - Not a factor. It's on Turf - the bases are measured off. Can't cheat

- Jersey City Softball - No grade - bases are in ground

- NY Fast Pitch - depends on the ump. They get a C

- Broadway Show and  Performing Arts League - Grade is a C. Again depends on Ump. Butchy the worst. He's my boy, but he's the worst. His bases are marathon distance.

- Bum Rush League = F. Flat out fucking horrible. I don't care who's umpiring. It well beyond 65. Everyone I ask gives me a different league distance. Umpires, Commissioner, Managers, players. Never measured. Horrible at least 70 feet. At least

 - Noble Avenue Bronx  - D - Used to be excellent. Now it flat out sucks. Umpires there are super blatant bobos as the base lengths are marked off by white lines on poles and they still extend beyond. Whatever. Lucky for them most players in that league are too dumb, drunk or high to notice or even care.

- Hecksher Gotham Sports Saturday League. F. I haven't played there in years for a reason. This is one of them. Bases used to be in the grass.

Other cheap ump tricks:

2. Slot Machine Strike Arm - Umps who are strike happy with strikes zones the size of the grand canyon. They raise their damn right arm like a senior citizen at Harrah's playing the Wheel of Fortune Slot machine. It's strike strike strike strike strike strike strike. Bullshit. Lower your arm homie you ain't hitting the $50 ump fee jackpot.

More importantly, what really annoys me is when a sympathy umpire give pitchers that arc strike because they feel bad he's getting hit. They think he's gonna get clobbered and before you know it the arc-baller actually wins the game. So fucking annoying

3. Big Lead out calls on obvious safes - whatever. Hurry Hurry Hurry

4. Lying about permits and guys behind you. Time limit lies are bullshit.Hurry Hurry Hurry

5. Umps that refuse to ask their partner for help.Hurry Hurry Hurry

6. Umps who huddle and you can tell they know the call is wrong, but they say fuck it and leave the call as is. Hurry Hurry Hurry

7. Umps because of some stupid code who refuse to override their partner when needed. I understand having your partner's back. I really do. But come on how about a little team work in key spots. Hurry Hurry Hurry

I can take bad calls, mistakes, accidents, it happens what I can't take is lies. Don't lie to me or my team. It's insulting

I respect the fact that your doing job and making money, but please  be considerate that we have rushed from work, left our families, lied to our wives, sacrificed to get there. Just let us play.

Don't Rush my Softball Don't Rush my Porn otherwise I get fucked