HECKLERS

While I acknowledge that it takes a lot of skill and talent to play Golf and Tennis,
I kind of lose respect for these game because spectators are required to remain silent.

I mean Tiger Woods yells at fans for answering their cell phones while he is trying to make a put. That's weak and wack.

Imagine AROD calling time out in a game at Fenway Park and telling some retard in the front row to stop singing/reciting the teachings of the KABBALAH to the tune of Madonna's Like a Virgin song.

Never.


In Baseball/Softball Trash Talking or Heckling is allowed and is part of the game.

They say hitting a ball consistently is the hardest thing to do in sports.
It gets even harder to do when people are heckling, screaming, yelling, and dissing you while your at the plate.

Heckling comes in all different forms.
Some is abusive. Some is good natured. Some is funny. Some is foul. Some is classless.

I've been called 1,000 names under the sun ranging from funny ones like
Menudo or Ricky Martin to your basic You Suck, Easy Out, etc etc.

The bottom line is in baseball/softball you have to deal with Heckler's.

It requires a thick skin and concentration.
Some guys get scared/intimated by Hecklers.
Other guys give in to Hecklers and yell back or get in fights.
Others love it and feed off of it.
While others ignore it.

In my opinion the best way to deal with a Heckler is Ignore Them.


Don't add fuel to the fire.
A Heckler wants attention.
They want you to lose concentration and most importantly To FAIL.
Ignoring them is the prefect payback b/c your not giving ATTENTION.
If you come through in the game they will look extra stupid and classless.

That being said it ain't easy Ignoring Hecklers, we are after all men with egos and pride.

Here are some my Top Ten Softball Hecklers

10. Willie Ferrer - Legendary Softball Knuckle ball pitcher.
Think of willie as the annoying Clown sitting above a pool of water at a Count Fair.
You pay a dollar for three throws to try and dunk him in the water.
As you throw the ball the Clown relentlessly heckles and makes fun of you.
You get madder and madder and try to dunk the Clown in the water by hitting the target, It's just hard to hit the target b/c your so mad.
That's what playing against Willie is/was like.

9. Little Lou the Manager of the Cardinals
( Seen standing directly to the right of the 2007 Gunn Sports championship trophy with his short open, clapping and hammered of course)












Nice guy who pumps up his team by yelling encouragement all day while
drinking Coors light and mixed drinks.

Doesn't stop yelling at opposing pitchers until he passes out.


8. O'Hanlons Softball team - It's harder to tell what is more natural for these guys - Yelling or breathing. It ain't easy umping their games.


7. Angelo Gonzalez - good ball player and master heckler.
Once he gets going there is no stopping him

6. Dio Jackson - Addicted to Heckling.
Even Heckles during pick up and exhibition games.


5. John Sheppard - Doesn't start talking shit until the other team begins.
Once he gets going it's no holds bar and almost nothing is off limits

4. George Colon - another West player? Like Billy Wagner would say "SHOCKER"!! George on the down low is a very witty heckler.

His best line of the year was when he called Franny the Sun when the rotund pitcher showed up to central Park wearing a full body yellow uniform one day this year.


3. Entire Chelsea League - You are not allowed to play in Chelsea unless you like to Talk
In fact the league would fold is trash talking was not permitted.


2. Willie Jommaron - Merrill Lynch - A unique Reverse Heckler - Most hecklers annoy/bother the other Team. Willie J gives it to his own team.


and the Number One Softball Heckler

Tie - I hate having Ties in the Top Ten but this one is too close to call

1.Edgar Sr. and Inwood ground Keeper Chelo
This one is like Godzilla Vs. King Kong of Heckling

Edgar Sr. is a NYC Softball legend considered one the best players of his era. He may be retired from softball, but he sure as well ain't retired from Heckling. He is funny, ruthless, relentless,and if you pay attention o him he will drive you INSANE. I'm used to him now, the only time he bothers me now is when he is silent.

As for Chelo - Simply does not care as he is 100% plastered drunk all the day.
He heckles in a dialect no one understands while listening to maddening bachata music. What is frustrating is that you can't say anything back to him b/c when he talks you don't understand and you get confused.

HECKLERS -

21 Questions

Rapper 50 Cent had a hit song a few years ago called 21 Questions.

Well in reviewing an umpire, I have the following 21 questions

21 Good strike zone? This is crucial.

20 Does he run out on the field to make calls to get a closer look? Hustle is important.

19 Does he know the league rules? Knowledge is Power

18. Does he care about doing a good job or just want to take the money and run?

This Shows if he has heart or is just plain Ghetto

17. Does he know general/baseball softball rules? Again Knowledge is Power

16. Does he explain his point of view to managers clearly and concisely? Leadership

15. Does he take control of game?

When heckling, arguing, and problems occur does he nip it in the bud immediately or let it get out of control

14. Is he sober?

Being high is unacceptable for an umpire during a game, players on the other hand well ..

13. Can he see? Mister Magoo glasses can get foggy

12. Is he NON-confrontational?

Umpires should be confident and definitive, not confrontational

11. Does he know the inning, score, count, and put a new ball in play on time?

This is a key part of the job function

10. Is he reliable and on time? Punctuality counts

9. Does he power/ego trip or is he flexible when need be?

When he makes a mistake, all umpires make mistakes they are after all only human,

Does he quickly correct himself or ask for help to make sure he got the call right?

8. Is he dressed in Blue so that he knows people are asking him a question why they ask "Yo Blue what's the inning What's the score?" like 1,000 times during a game.

7. Does he clearly explain the ground rules before the game?

Prevention is the best medicine

6. Does he collect lineup cards before the game and note/announce all player changes during the game. This is important b/c it shows he is on top of things.

5. Does he measure the bases and pitching distance properly?

Crooked umps cheat in this area all the time. bad umps don't want bang bang plays so they make the bases longer to make the game move quicker. So foul

4. Does he keep the game moving? He must take command

3. Is he fair and consistent. A must

2. Does he respect the game?

If he had all the right answers above then he does, otherwise he is flawed

1. Is he respected? Respect is Earned not given away

Those are the traits that make a good umpire.

If an umpire can do all the above, then the players will decide the game and that's the way it should be.

What do you think?

IRONIC PUNISHMENT

I'm not really a fan of the TV show "The Simpson's", but last Sunday I couldn't help feeling like Homer Simpson in the classic Simpson Halloween episode where Homer went to HELL and was given the Ironic "Too Much of a Good Thing" Punishmentt of eating an unlimited supply of Donuts ( view the link below or copy it into your browser)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/23459/the-simpsons-donut-hell?c=109



The problem actually started last Friday when I umped 4 games ending at 8:45PM in 90 plus degree weather.

Not fun.



Then the situation got worse on Saturday, when I umped another a doubleheader starting at 9 AM and then played 4 games ending at around 8:30 PM.
The 3rd game was a 90 degree 9 inning marathon on 54th street "Donde Caja La Vaca" - the hottest and worse field in NYC.
My team ,The Sox, lost a heart breaker.
Of Course we lost the nightcap as well.
Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering

As an aside, the extra inning game was played using international rules.
Meaning that each team began their half of an extra frame with a man on 2nd base.
This rule is put in place to try and get the game to come to an end quickly.
This rule is fine in a one day tournament, but does not belong in a regular season game.



Anyway, the Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering reached an exclamation point on Sunday.
I had a quick turn around as I play in a fun 9 AM morning league in Central Park.
Yeah Lot's of fun - we only had 8 guys one of which was a make shift pitcher
Oh man, suffering.
It was 95 degrees and we had to play a 3 man Outfield.
Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering
I was not happy.
Of course some guy hit a shot over my head that I misplayed in the 1st inning and my hitting was pathetic against some pitcher you looked like Red Fox from the classic TV show Sandford and Son









So now I was slumping.
Great.
I thought things couldn't get worse.
I was wrong.
As my game is going on, I see a lot of my Big Apple West teammates showing up to the park and I start thinking man they are here mighty early for a 1pm game.
Turns out our game was at 11 Am.

Fuck.

Oh man now I had to leave these poor guys.
At least we miraculously had a 3 run lead.
Being that Central Park on a Sunday is the forfeit avoiding capital of the world, I picked up a decent guy and I was on my way to the West game.

By now I was suffering total softball burnout and not too mention heat stroke from the weather and running around.

Luckily, The head umpire (not that idiot Mister Magoo - thank god) saw that I was woozy. He had a park's attendant turn on the sprinkler for me so that I could stand underneath it and cool off. Very nice of him. That idiot Mister Magoo wouldn't do that.

OK so now I was alive.

Let's play.

Running on empty I got asked to play Left Center b/c we were also short guys.
Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering
Oh man.

Whatever, things would get worse as we got waxed 10-3.

Ugly.

P.S. My morning team mates came by to tell my the guy I picked up made an error and cost them the game.

Horrible.

Whatever.

The next game was a MUST WIN as we were fighting for our playoff lives.

Our ace pitcher Tom "Shooter" Murphy arrived and we were winning 3-1 into the 6th, that's when things got worse.

The best last place team I have ever seen Excelsior ( I don't mean that as a diss they are truly better than their record) rallied to tie the game on clutch hits and errors on our part.

OK gut check time. At least we were the home team.

We rallied to score 2 runs in the bottom of the sixth and the 7th looked like a lock as they had the bottom of their order up.

Not so fast, IRONIC PUNISHMENT must continue.

Excelsior fought extremely hard to tie the game and nearly won it as their lead off batter almost hit a 3 run homer over my head.

The score was now 5-5.

Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering

Thankfully, I will spare you all the painful details, but the game went 12 long draining innings where both team blew several opportunities to Win

Yes 12 innings of Ironic Softball Punishment - more playing more suffering .

Of course my day long slump continued.
Horrible.
Whatever.
All that matters is that we won the damn game. Finally!!!!!!

This was softball HELL

1ST HALF ALL STARS

In the MLB All Star game this year a lot of Big names were missing.
No Big Papi.
No Jose Reyes
No Ryan Howard.
No Johan Santana.
No Bonds or Clemens uh .. let's not get into them.


Well the same thing happened in my NYC Softball 1st Half All Star Team


Due to multitude of reasons ranging from work, injury, personal commitments, taking care of the kids, etc .... perennial Softball Studs like Castillo, Gubi, Lou 22, and Simon did not make my list.

While I have no doubt that these notable players and others not mentioned will play a significant role in propelling their team toward the Championship let's see who are the 1st Half Softball All Stars.

P.S. Before I begin I would like to say that Softball All Star games are a waste of time. Totally boring and meaningless.


Starting Outfield

Elvis - Cardinals - Should have been a Pro. Best CF in all of Softball.
Carlos Castro - Mariners - Not yet 21. Off the Chart Talent
Alex Goldman - Diesel - Only 25. Fundamentally sound with very good bat speed.
George Colon - West/Sox - When he's not going through ump rage, George solidifies the OF and is lethal Lefty bat.


Reserves
Matt Wasowski - Working Class White Chocolate catches everything hit his way.
Aldo Lopez - has hit 4 Home Runs for West and no one knows about it.
Aaron Fernandez - wouldn't be as good if he played sober
Dusty Quinones - Combines with Elvis to give the Cardinals the strongest up the middle OF combination in 10 Man Softball.

1st base
Gilberto Gonzalez - Gilbert is more known for his pitching and 2nd base play.
But under the radar is an excellent 1st baseman and is a Professional Hitter.
Only downside is he can be a little high maintenance Divaish once in a while.
But when his game is on he is well worth it.

Reserve
Berg - Sox - Incredible left handed extension in his swing and for a right handed fielder has no problem throwing to 2nd to get lead runners on double plays

2nd Base
Ray Ray - Sox - By far the best new player I have seen this year.
Massive Power and a very heads up defender.

Andy Santana - Tianos/Bombers.
Very solid, Good pull hitter stroke. Great kid.

Shortstop
Alex Vasquez - Hurricanes/Merrill Lynch - check him out. He's the real deal

Reserves
Hector Hernandez - improved his ability to drive the ball combined with his game changing/saving defense makes him so valuable.
Sito - Tainos/Bombers - Easily one of the best young players in all of softball who can more than hold it down in the field.
Has one of the best power hitting mechanics I have seen all year.
Vic - Choice Parts - The guy is always in perpetual motion on the field. So good.
Eric "Cabezza" Espinal - Why is he playing 2nd on Sundays with the Parts when he could be the starting SS anywhere else? A joy to play with.

3rd base - It's been sort of a down year at 3B in softball.
I find that weird considering its such a key position, probably b/c of lot of top notch 3B's haven't been showing up.

I'll go with Larry "Tony Soprano " Trillo from Wall Street - The guy is tough.

Reserve
Kip - Choice Parts - he's a class act and good player

Catcher -
Ricardo ( not me) - Merrill Lynch - good hitter who yells "Toma" (take that) after he hits a blast

Reserve
Tommy Colon - more on him below

Starting Pitcher
Edgar Jr. - Sox - has been incredibly focused and in control almost all year.

Reserve Starter : - Tough Call

I'll call it a 3 way tie between Franny from the 29's - risers all day
Gilberto - smart will keep you in game with knucklers
Manny from Working class - Who? When Manny has command he is filthy.

Please note the following 2 points :
(1) I have only seen Caquito pitch 1 inning - so he is not eligible
(2) Slingers like Mike Cueves etc are not eligible for consideration


All Star Manager
Rudy - Bombers - It's amazing how smart a manager gets when he has Cedric and Bobby Langer throwing for him.

Reserve Mgr:
John RosenMiller - say what you want but year in year out the Parts are serious contenders

All Start Forfeit Avoider

I'll go with my man Tommy Colon
Tommy's bat speed is easily one of the best kept secrets in softball.
An ultimate team player who can play 3b,2b,C, and even Pitch - he is a gamer

Good luck in the 2nd half everyone

BEAUTY PAGEANT

A big story in the news this week was how lovely Miss. USA Crystle Stewart unfortunately fell during the Miss universe pageant.




This begs me to ask the metro sexual question :

What if NYC Softball had it's own Beauty Pageant who would win?
Top Ten NYC Softball Beauty Contestants
10. Dio Jackson - takes great pride in his hair.
But looks too much like Ozzie Guillen to ever win.



9. Andy Ayala - Good lefty hitter with the super model look.

The hair.
The uniform.
The batting gloves.

The lyrics form the song I'm too Sexy applies
"I'm a model you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah I shake my little touche on the catwalk"

8/7. Juan and Jorge Gonzalez - Twin Bothers who founded and manage the

Tiano Softball team in Chelsea.

Heck these guys even run the league - http://www.chelseasoftball.com/

Even though they are twins they both have their own unique sense of fashion and style.

Wearing anything less than a custom MLB quality jersey is not an option.

6. Juan Parra - Central Park Softball.

Very Good player

Very useful Utility Man.

Can hit for average , hit or power, pitch, play almost all the positions.

When his head is right Juan can help any team.

Juan is a Softball Diva.

Very Temperamental.

Also, listens to his IPOD while he plays to relax.

Very Divaish

5. Alex Goldman - Diesel - Son of Central Park legend Joel Goldman.

Alex is an emerging 5 tool player with tremendous upside who is also a great kid.

Alex looks like Nicholas Cage in Con Air

4. John Camacho- Sox Central Park Softball

Another guy who listens to his IPOD while playing softball. "se prive"
John loves to walk around with his shirt off all the time, when in reality he should keep his shirt on. With his shirt off and hanging against the dugout fence he reminds me of a captive Charlton Heston from the original Planet of the Apes.

3. Me.

Never.

The shoes. What is he thinking?

The dirty/stained/baggy clothes.

The cut-off shirt sleeves - so 80's.

Also when asked some intelligent question by the judges I would give a politically incorrect answer.

Think more along the lines of a degenerate and less talented Pete Rose

Ugly but effective.

2. Chelo - Inwood's legendary ground Keeper.

Seen below holding the Inwood Championship belt.
The missing teeth.
The drinking on the job.
The only reason Chelo could never be #1 is b/c when asked a question by the judges no one could understand his dialect of Spanish/English or whatever else he says

and the #1 NYC Softball Beauty Contestants

1. Jimmy Bitros - Manger Diesel. Central Park Legend

Think distinguished, smooth, charming.

A true Gentleman that knows how to talk to the ladies.

Someone like Frank Sinatra